Today was one of those ugly days. The days when you just can’t bear to look at yourself in the mirror. The days when you spend hours trying to re-evaluate your routine and what you can possibly do to make yourself look better.
Today I hated my hair, my skin, and as always, my body. What set me off? A photo my girlfriend took of me sitting on our couch. Stupid, right? Should have been, but as I looked at the weird face I was making because of the unexpected shot and the ridiculous knot of my hair I thought, “I am not an attractive person.” Yes, I post selfies on Facebook and Instagram, but I found myself thinking that my pictures only looked decent because I’ve mastered flattering poses. I’ve learned the trick of looking attractive. I don’t look the same in person as I do in pictures. But does anyone? Who knows. That thought wasn’t on my mind today as I spend hours in self loathing and looking at photos of girls I wish I looked like.
When I have a low day everything affects me at one time. It doesn’t matter what the trigger was. It’s impossible for me to focus on fixing one imperfection at a time. I start falling into this spiral of doom; the “shoulda, coulda, woulda” tornado of torment. It’s not healthy and I know this. Still, I frequently find myself in that place.
There isn’t any easy solution to beating these kind of days. But I still try. I tell myself that it’s impossible to change the past or to completely change your life or to wake up in someone else’s life. I tell myself that without all of the “bad” choices I’ve made, I wouldn’t have acquired the blessings I’ve found. I’ve found acceptance for the most part. You can’t please everyone I’ve stopped trying long ago. I’ve found someone who loves me exactly as I am, scars and all. I have two amazing daughters. I have successful fitness classes. I have friends who would literally do anything to make me smile.
Sometimes the bad just overpowers the good. Sometimes I just have to succumb to it.
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