I’ve lost a lot of friends in my life. When I see them now, in person or social media, I get angry at myself. I’m an extremely sensitive person and small things upset me. I read into situations incorrectly or too deeply and get my feelings hurt which causes me to react to said instances without fully evaluating my thoughts.
In elementary school and high school, I always made friends at the start of each year. All I wanted was to be accepted. I somehow would end up in the clicks of the social leaders. I ended up building friendships with those who would be at the top of our class and actively involved in school events and clubs. I grew up very poor and we didn’t even own a vehicle so I was unable to participate in things. I ended up alienating myself from everyone because I assumed they wouldn’t want to continue to be my friend. What if they found out the truth about my life? They wouldn’t know that I didn’t belong. I had convinced myself they would dump me anyways so it was easier to separate myself.
In my adult life, my sensitivity continues to be a problem. It’s not easy to be rid of alienation. I constantly feel that I’m not wanted. Like I’m not good enough. That no one would miss me if I were to disappear from the small circles I run in. I’m sure some wouldn’t, but I know there are some who would. Those are the people who reach out to me when I’m surrounded in darkness. Those are the ones who try to pull me back when I feel lost and alone in this world.
I’ve lost two people in the last 2 years that I had considered my best friend at different points in my life. One of them treated me bad and I just didn’t fit into the lifestyle the other was aiming to have. Both breaks crushed me. I know I’m not a perfect friend, but I am a loyal friend. Losing two people that I had depended on for years took a devastating toll on me. Now the battle starts. I have to fight the urge to reevaluate everything that happened in those friendships. What had I done wrong? What could I have done differently? How did I ruin those relationships?
Maybe I didn’t. Maybe I did. I don’t claim to be an innocent, but I also don’t feel like I deserved to be cast away. I’m a lot to handle and I tell people that constantly, but I’m the type of person who needs friends in my life. I don’t need to be popular or in demand or involved in everything but I do want to be thought of and remembered. I want to have successful friendships. I want to have lifelong relationships with people. My greatest fear is ending up alone.