The Friends I Don’t Have

“I don’t like people.”

I find myself saying this at least twice a day; sometimes a dozen depending on daily events. On most levels, it’s very much true. I don’t do well in social settings. I feel uncomfortable, awkward, and like I just don’t belong. I’ve been a loner for as long as I can remember. I’m not an innocent; I’ve been the cause of friendship ends, not necessarily on purpose, but it has happened.

The word “friend” is used so casually anymore. The definition of a friend is a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard or a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter. Take a moment to think about that. Truly let that definition sink in. How many “friends” do you honestly have? How many would give you a broken heart if they walked out of your life? How many could you call to cry over life, and have the person genuinely care? How many would miss you if you were gone? How many would you miss? How many secrets have you shared? The realization I’ve come to is that I don’t have friends; I have acquaintances. 

My first clue to this was after I was abandoned by someone I considered a best friend after her new partner had treated me poorly. I had a few friends planning weddings and getting married, but no invite for me. Another person I considered to be a best friend married after a six year relationship , but I wasn’t invited to the wedding. I only received an invitation to the reception after I told my “friend” how upset I was. Marriages are a huge deal, right? A friend would have been invited.

I’ve also been used. A life long friend and I reconnected after years of separation; not bad terms, just different life directions. After I while I realized this person only wanted to see me or talk me when a favor was needed. Money, transportation, or to be a baby sitter. My feelings were brushed aside because I was “overreacting.” To protect my own feelings I ended the friendship. I still miss this person, but sometimes an end is a way to peace.

I’ve tried to make new friends, but I seem to just be unsuccessful. People I attempt to trust repeat private conversations to parties not involved. People read things I’ve wrote and misinterpreted them or made assumptions without confrontation. As I’ve said, I’m no innocent. I have a bad attitude, a smart mouth and I am a stubborn, dominant bitch. I own up to all of that without shame. I can’t change who I am. I could make more effort with friendships, but after the experiences I’ve had I don’t even have the urge. Why should I intentionally set myself up for disappointment?

I do get sad when I see groups of people I know out enjoying each others’ company. There was a time when I was included, but being a single mom and being employed full time usually kept me from being a part of anything. Now that I do have some time to spend, the invites are no longer available. People seem to have forgotten about me or exiled me for one reason or another. I suppose I’ve dug this grave for myself, all by myself.

I get lonely once in a while, but I always get over it. Sometimes I miss the friends I don’t have.

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3 thoughts on “The Friends I Don’t Have

  1. You have a big heart..it gets stomped on. You wrote a beautiful blog about how it feels to be disappointed by people. It matters and it hurts. You always look and sound like you have it all together. People don’t know how to react to a strong, direct person. I realized that I had lost some “great friends” from my teaching days and even from before Oh well, Losing them means I have time for others. Letting the hurt go isn’t easy. Some people are not meant to be in our lives forever, Just take it for what it is.You learn the lessons and move on from there

    Liked by 1 person

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