Once upon I time I wrote a blog about lost, broken, and forgotten friendships. I ended with, “Sometimes I miss the friends I don’t have.” Last night I came to a whole other realization on this point. I don’t just miss the friends I don’t have, I miss the friends I thought I had. Reaching the conclusion that a person you considered a friend is only a half-friend is just as hurtful as losing the friendship all together.
Friendship groups can be tricky. You may think that you have a strong bond and that you share so many interests. The group spends days chatting and sharing stories or even just talking trash on whatever may be the hot gossip of the day. But what happens when one friend’s ego cuts through the bond like a freshly tempered sword? This is when the true friendships are tested. Perhaps two people are closer than the third first realized. Maybe Person A felt closer to Person B because Person B is remnant of Person A’s children or family members. Then what happens? Person C becomes a casual acquaintance; a small blip of a friendship through texting or social media, but no longer a real friend. Person A will tell you that he/she is not choosing one friend over the other, but the reality is that we all have preferences. We tend to be more attracted to those who are similar to ourselves, our children, our family members, or other friends we may have in our circle.
So, how do we move on? In today’s age of technology there is no real way to escape situations that cause pain or hurt feelings. We’re constantly reminded of unpleasant circumstances through Facebook posts, Instagram photos or tweets. Sure, we can remove these people from our timelines, but then you face the risk of looking immature. Does that matter? In a way it does. Word of mouth is powerful; it can be used for good or evil. Word of mouth can make a person look like a rock star or bat shit crazy. It all depends on who is saying what to whom. We can confront involved parties, but in my experience you’re usually made out to be a crazy person. An over-reactor. Thinking too much into it.
We come to a point where we just become non-responsive. The conversations become more casual than usual and far and few between. You begin to essentially fade away from people because you feel that no matter what you do, you’re wrong. You’re not good enough. You’re not worthy of friendships.
I’ve been a loner for as long as I can remember. Sometimes that shell just cannot be broken. Perhaps this is just the life I am meant to lead.
When you believe something, when you honestly and truly believe something, it is difficult, if not impossible, to change your mind. These beliefs can be demonic nightmares, torturous to endure. It can be anything: self esteem, self image, faithfulness in a relationship, intelligence, skill ability. Whether you believe you can’t do something, that you’re great at something, or that you are a victim of infidelity, it will be true. Well, at least in your mind. You’ll never be comfortable in any setting, especially social ones. The feeling of not belonging will take over your sanity and you won’t be able to enjoy yourself regardless of the situation. You’ll no longer know the meaning of “fun.” You’ll become an introvert; an avoider; a ghost. People will start to believe that you’re stuck up, unfriendly, a bitch. You’re friends will begin to feel that you’re not longer interested in their friendship or presence. You will slowly become isolated from everything and everyone. You’re life will become so lonely.
So what do you do? How do you fix this state of mind? You can’t. Once your mind truly believes something to be true, it will always be so.
I’ve lost a lot of friends in my life. When I see them now, in person or social media, I get angry at myself. I’m an extremely sensitive person and small things upset me. I read into situations incorrectly or too deeply and get my feelings hurt which causes me to react to said instances without fully evaluating my thoughts.
In elementary school and high school, I always made friends at the start of each year. All I wanted was to be accepted. I somehow would end up in the clicks of the social leaders. I ended up building friendships with those who would be at the top of our class and actively involved in school events and clubs. I grew up very poor and we didn’t even own a vehicle so I was unable to participate in things. I ended up alienating myself from everyone because I assumed they wouldn’t want to continue to be my friend. What if they found out the truth about my life? They wouldn’t know that I didn’t belong. I had convinced myself they would dump me anyways so it was easier to separate myself.
In my adult life, my sensitivity continues to be a problem. It’s not easy to be rid of alienation. I constantly feel that I’m not wanted. Like I’m not good enough. That no one would miss me if I were to disappear from the small circles I run in. I’m sure some wouldn’t, but I know there are some who would. Those are the people who reach out to me when I’m surrounded in darkness. Those are the ones who try to pull me back when I feel lost and alone in this world.
I’ve lost two people in the last 2 years that I had considered my best friend at different points in my life. One of them treated me bad and I just didn’t fit into the lifestyle the other was aiming to have. Both breaks crushed me. I know I’m not a perfect friend, but I am a loyal friend. Losing two people that I had depended on for years took a devastating toll on me. Now the battle starts. I have to fight the urge to reevaluate everything that happened in those friendships. What had I done wrong? What could I have done differently? How did I ruin those relationships?
Maybe I didn’t. Maybe I did. I don’t claim to be an innocent, but I also don’t feel like I deserved to be cast away. I’m a lot to handle and I tell people that constantly, but I’m the type of person who needs friends in my life. I don’t need to be popular or in demand or involved in everything but I do want to be thought of and remembered. I want to have successful friendships. I want to have lifelong relationships with people. My greatest fear is ending up alone.