Once upon I time I wrote a blog about lost, broken, and forgotten friendships. I ended with, “Sometimes I miss the friends I don’t have.” Last night I came to a whole other realization on this point. I don’t just miss the friends I don’t have, I miss the friends I thought I had. Reaching the conclusion that a person you considered a friend is only a half-friend is just as hurtful as losing the friendship all together.
Friendship groups can be tricky. You may think that you have a strong bond and that you share so many interests. The group spends days chatting and sharing stories or even just talking trash on whatever may be the hot gossip of the day. But what happens when one friend’s ego cuts through the bond like a freshly tempered sword? This is when the true friendships are tested. Perhaps two people are closer than the third first realized. Maybe Person A felt closer to Person B because Person B is remnant of Person A’s children or family members. Then what happens? Person C becomes a casual acquaintance; a small blip of a friendship through texting or social media, but no longer a real friend. Person A will tell you that he/she is not choosing one friend over the other, but the reality is that we all have preferences. We tend to be more attracted to those who are similar to ourselves, our children, our family members, or other friends we may have in our circle.
So, how do we move on? In today’s age of technology there is no real way to escape situations that cause pain or hurt feelings. We’re constantly reminded of unpleasant circumstances through Facebook posts, Instagram photos or tweets. Sure, we can remove these people from our timelines, but then you face the risk of looking immature. Does that matter? In a way it does. Word of mouth is powerful; it can be used for good or evil. Word of mouth can make a person look like a rock star or bat shit crazy. It all depends on who is saying what to whom. We can confront involved parties, but in my experience you’re usually made out to be a crazy person. An over-reactor. Thinking too much into it.
We come to a point where we just become non-responsive. The conversations become more casual than usual and far and few between. You begin to essentially fade away from people because you feel that no matter what you do, you’re wrong. You’re not good enough. You’re not worthy of friendships.
I’ve been a loner for as long as I can remember. Sometimes that shell just cannot be broken. Perhaps this is just the life I am meant to lead.